Flubber

There are those people who look in the mirror, and despite desperately needing to eat something, anything, they see a huge grotesque blob in the mirror....my heart breaks for those girls...I cannot imagine how difficult life must be for them, to constantly see something in their reflection that makes them soooo unhappy.

Then there's me....

I look in the mirror and go, "wow, I look really good. You can hardly tell I recently had a baby. I'm not any bigger than I was before she was born." Unfortunately, that is not reality...I am bigger....MUCH bigger. Is that a bad thing? Depends on who you ask I guess.

I guess you could say I'm in denial....

I had been convincing myself that it wasn't me, it was the designers who were cutting clothes smaller and smaller....choosing to ignore the sodas and icees and french fries that are a major part of my diet as possible culprits.

As part of my journey to fat acceptance, I have been reading lots of blogs...most of the girls on these blogs wear things that I would never ever think of wearing. My thought process went somewhere along the lines of "body con? why would you ever want to wear something so clingy if you are overweight?" I guess, this logic is based in part because of my mother's influence, and the fact that I myself am not comfortable with my body or size....

And then this weekend, the proverbial shit hit the fan....and a light bulb came on...

I was in the dressing room trying on a sleeveless top I thought would look cute under a jacket. Not loose and flowy, it was fitted, but still loose enough that if I stood still and sucked it all in and held my breath, I could pretend I was "skinny." It was a pretty color, nice fabric and on super sale...I was all set to fork over the cash and then..... "oh no, that is waaay too tight...you can't wear that" comes out of my mom's mouth. And I didn't buy it....

As I walked away, I started to simmer...then boil...and then it all spilled over. I had reached my breaking point. I know my mom only wants what's best for me...I know she wants me to look my best when I go out to face the world...but really, am I the one with the problem for having a gut that the world can see rounding out my shirt, or is the world the one with the problem for thinking that I can or should only wear certain things? (*sidenote: mom doesn't get on me about my weight because "skinny" is more attractive or anything like that...there's a long line of weight related health issues e.g. diabetes, CAD, etc, on both sides of the family, especially women; I'm a single mom of a little girl who needs me around; and my mom is plus sized too and she knows first hand the physical health issues she's had as a result of her weight)

I have big boobs. I am proud of my girls. They are mine, they are real (real hard to find bras for too but I digress) and they are beautiful. Why should I be any less proud of my wide hips or big thighs or rounded tummy?

Do I want to lose weight? Yes, but because my ankles and knees hurt from carrying my weight; because I don't want to develop diabetes and have to take tons of medications; because I don't want my heart to give out before it's time; because I need to be here to see my baby girl grow up.

In the meantime however, shouldn't I be happy to be me and wear things that make me happy? Even if me being happy means wearing a shirt you think is a little too tight over my tummy, or pants that prove I have a big butt, or a dress that shows I have both big boobs and wide hips?

I think so.....and quite frankly, I don't care if you do or not.